Going Through Hell
by DoctorWhoFan9
Summary: Kendall is a star jock, James is the guy that every girl wants, Logan is a star student and Carlos is the guy everyone in school likes, at least a little. Even though they're lives seem perfect on the surface, they're going through hell. Kogan and Jarlos
1. Chapter 1

Kendall was the captain of the hockey team, and one of the star jocks at his school. On the surface he had everything, fame, glory, and almost everyone wanted to like him, or at least to be able to say that they were a personal friend of his. But if they knew half of his real life they wouldn't be so eager to trade him places. The truth was, Kendall never felt he was good enough. His father wanted Kendall to make his life sports, live the life his father had wanted. Kendall's mom wanted her son to be the academic student she knew he could be, if he put more effort into it. His little sister Katie just wanted her brother to have time for her in his life no matter what. The blonde hockey star felt like he was letting his whole family down. His grades were slipping because of the amount of sports he played, and he hardly saw his sister because when he wasn't at practice he was trying to catch up with his school work. He felt like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, and for a sixteen year old that's too much pressure. On top of it all, his father basically told him that he was worthless if he couldn't handle a bit of a work load.

"Kendall Francis Knight, get your ass in here!" Kendall flinched when he heard his father yell, he knew what his dad would say already, but if he didn't go he would be in even more trouble. As soon as he walked into the room, the insults and curses started. By the time he went back to his room his father's word were echoing in his head. _You are nothing, just a worthless bag of bones under my roof, you're just a meaningless good for nothing waste of space._

He was hallow inside, he felt like whatever emotions he had felt or should feel didn't exist, he couldn't help wondering if he was exactly what his father said he was.


	2. Chapter 2

**I do not own BTR :(**

Logan was a star student, the brain, he almost always knew the answer and if he didn't it would drive him crazy. Most people wished they had half the smarts he did, but Logan wished he wasn't a scrawny. If he had more muscle, maybe the bullies would think twice about messing with him, but Logan was cursed with a lot of brain power, but very little physical prowess. If only being smart was the only thing he was bullied about, but with his luck, it wasn't. Besides being rather small and freakishly smart, Logan was gay, and naturally the idiots who bullied him found out, just peachy.

"Hey fag"

"Look, just get it over with already" Logan said he really just wanted this to stop, for them to do what the cornered him for and leave. What he wasn't expecting was being punched in the gut, and hard. "oof" Logan fell to the ground out of breath.

"Take that you pathetic, worthless excuse for a human being" the gang's leader spat as they left Logan lying on the ground, gasping for breath.

"I'm not worthless, and I'm not pathetic" Logan muttered, but he wasn't so sure. _What if I am pathetic and worthless?_


	3. Chapter 3

**I still do not own BTR, nor do I own BarlowGirl, even though they're awesome**

James was the son of the CEO of Diamond Cosmetics, he was also the guy that every girl wanted a piece of. He should be happy, after all, he's rich, popular, and has practically anything he could want, but he's not happy, not one bit. He's a bit of a perfectionist, but only when it comes to himself. When others aren't perfect it doesn't bother him at all really, but he feels that he, James Diamond, has to be perfect to be happy, and he figures if he's not happy, then he's not perfect, not yet.

James sighed as he looked in his mirror, singing part of a BarlowGirl song under his breath. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, have I got it?" He sighed again, "Of course I don't, I'm just a big hunk of imperfection at its worst."

"James, time for school!" his mom shouted up the stairs.

"Coming!" James looked once more in the mirror, _another day, another lie, another heart to break._

James really was a sweet guy, not that he let anyone see it. Since his dad ran off leaving him and his mom he swore never to let anyone win his heart. He built walls around the real James to protect himself from the heartache that would come with letting anyone in. He remembered how heart broken his mom had been when his dad just up and left and he never wanted to be that broken because of some person who just really didn't give a crap about him.


	4. Chapter 4

**And again I don't own BTR, and I don't own Superchic[k] either **

Carlos Garcia was a very likable guy, he was the kind of guy that girls loved to be friends with, but didn't want to date, so no guy felt like they had to worry about Carlos stealing their girlfriends. Besides that, he was just nice to everyone, and that means,** everyone**. But even though he was liked by everyone, he really didn't have any real friends, and he hated it. Even when he was in a room surrounded by people, he felt completely and utterly alone. And he needed someone he could talk to, really he did. Carlos was going through a rough time, his mom had just died, and his father was a police officer with a busy schedule, not to mention he was totally confused. He discovered shortly before his mom's death that even though he liked girls, he liked guys too, and he had no idea what to do about it.

As the small Latino was sitting on his bed getting ready for school, he couldn't help but think of a song that he heard the previous year. "It's me against the world today" he sighed, as he picked up his backpack and walked toward his bus stop, preparing for another day of acting like he was perfectly fine, and the day was just like any other wonderful day in the world, like it was sunshine and lollipops.


	5. Chapter 5

**I still do not own BTR, or Superchic[k]**

"You're doing it!"

"No! I don't want to!"

"Too bad, Lo, you are."

"No, As. I'm not."

"Yes you are even if I have to drag you kicking and screaming onto the ice!"

"Do you want me to get killed?"

Logan was arguing with his older sister Ascadelia. In reality it wasn't that irregular for them to argue, especially when they were only a year apart.

"No, I don't want you dead Lo, even though you are an annoying little brother. But you are going to hockey tryouts, whether you like it or not."

"But those jerks are on the team!" Logan was not happy that his sister was forcing him to try out for a sport, especially when the guys who bullied him were on the team.

"You're still going."

"But-"

"You. Are. Going." Logan groaned, he really hated this. "Besides little brother, you need to stand up for yourself. Not to mention, you're probably ten times better than them anyways."

"I hate you."

"No you don't, you love me, you know you do." Logan sighed in defeat, he couldn't win, he never could. His sister wished him luck and started talking to her best friend Susan, whose younger brother was on the team.

"Hey fag. Whatcha doing here?" Logan swallowed, _crap_ he thought. He'd hoped that they would leave him alone here at least.

"Hey, what's going on?" Logan looked up to see a tall, green-eyed blonde skate up to them. For a moment he forgot about the jerks that bullied him, and stared at the god-like blonde in front of him.

"Nothing, Captain. Just welcoming the kid."

"Well, you've welcomed him, now go." The bullies skated away, casting glares over their shoulders at the short brunet.

Logan was snapped out of his daze when As slapped him in the back of the head. He turned and glared at her, and of course she was smirking. "That hurt! No more NCIS for you As!"

"Yeah right. Like you can stop me from watching one of my favorite shows of all time, besides, one shouldn't drool in public" she said crossing her arms and rolling her eyes, while her smirk grew.

"Alright, let's get these try outs rolling" the coach said happily.

Kendall was slightly worried when he saw Masters, Hobbs, and Ferris gathered around the slight brunet. Not to mention that the boy looked terrified, besides it was his job to keep the guys on the team out of trouble. So he had gone to make sure that the raven haired boy was alright. What Kendall hadn't been expecting was as soon as he made eye contact with the smaller boy he got lost in those warm brown orbs. Kendall's daze only ended when the smaller brunet turned away when that girl slapped his head. Their conversation had confused the blonde to no end, as did what he heard them say before the smaller boy joined everyone else on the ice.

"Rock what you got, Lo. Show'm who they're messing with."

"You know, I still hate you."

"Uhuh, yep, sure. Love you too lil' brother."

So they were brother and sister. Kendall wondered why she said someone was messing with the pale, brown haired boy, and who they were. Kendall watched the guys who were trying out, some of them were really good, like Carlos Garcia and James Diamond, others not so much.

"Good try" he said patting a dejected looking red head on the back. The red head managed a small smile as he went to sit down.

"Mitchell, Logan" the coach called, and the pale brunet stepped forward. _So his name's Logan_, Kendall thought. Kendall felt his jaw drop when he saw how good this kid was. _Oh, he's definitely making the team._

When the tryouts were done Coach Volker announced that they would know in a few days whether they made the team or not. When he was leaving to go find his sister he overheard Hobbs, Ferris and Masters talking.

"If that fag makes it on the team, I'm quitting, I don't care about a fucking scholarship, I don't want him anywhere near me."

"Same here, I can't stand that homo Mitchell."

"Yeah, he should just do the world a favor."

"Yeah."

Kendall felt his temper rising, they shouldn't be talking about Logan like that, he seemed like a nice kid and there wasn't anything wrong with being gay. The blonde decided to talk with his cousin Susan about what to do before he made any decisions, she would, as always have good advice.


	6. Chapter 6

_****_**And again I do not own Big Time Rush, also I do not own Fireflight  
><strong>

_**One week after Hockey tryouts**_

Carlos sighed staring at the wall as he sat on his bed. The small Latino had shut himself in his room as soon as he had gotten home from school, not that it had exactly been a horrible day, he had made the hockey team along with James and Logan, and he'd had fun with the two brunets and Kendall at school, but that was the only time they really hung out. He remembered what his mom had always said; good things come to those who wait. Well, he had waited a long time for friends he could talk to, he could wait a little longer. Carlos smiled a little when the next song played on his iPod, it fit what he was feeling and thinking exactly.

_This is for those who wait_

_Another day, another waiting game_

_A little different but it's still the same_

_I am here but where's the one I'm longing for?_

_I'm having troubles feeling all alone_

_Will my heart ever find a home?_

_I want too hope but sometimes I just don't know_

_I know I'm not the only one_

_So you sing a lullaby_

_To the lonely hearts tonight_

_Let it set your heart on fire_

_Let it set you free_

_When you're fighting to believe _

_In a love that you can't see_

_Just know there is a purpose_

_For those who wait_

_I want to open up my eyes_

_I know that all I need is time_

_I'm growing stronger every single day_

_God, I'm gonna leave them to you now_

_Letting go of all my fear and doubt_

_I can't do this on my own, so I'll give you control_

_I know I'm not the only one_

_So you sing a lullaby_

_To the lonely hearts tonight_

_Let it set your heart on fire_

_Let it set you free_

_When you're fighting to believe _

_In a love that you can't see_

_Just know there is a purpose_

_For those who wait_

_The pressure makes us stronger_

_The struggle makes us hunger_

_The hard lessons make the difference_

_The pressure makes us stronger_

_The struggle makes us hunger_

_The hard lessons make the difference_

_And the difference makes it worth it_

_So we sing a lullaby _

_To the lonely hearts tonight_

_Let it set your heart on fire_

_Let it set you free_

_When you're fighting to believe _

_In a love that you can't see_

_Just know there is a purpose _

_For those who wait_

_Let it set your heart on fire_

_This is for those who wait_

Carlos heard a knock on his door, he knew it was time for his dad to go to work, and that his dad wanted to make sure that he was alright before he left, so Carlos went and opened his door.

"Mijo, it's hard for me too."

"I know papi"

"I came up to see if you were alright, and to tell you that someone's downstairs to see you." Who would come to see him? One of the guys? Only one way to find out, go see who it is. Carlos walked slowly down the stairs behind his father who had to go on duty. The Latino boy froze for a moment when he heard James' voice come from his living room, "Bye Mr. Garcia."

"Good bye James. You and Carlos have fun and stay out of trouble" Officer Garcia said as he closed the door.

"Hey, James, uhh whatcha doing here?"

"You seemed kinda spaced out today, and I wanted to see if everything was ok. So, is it?" James obviously was concerned, and Carlos couldn't bring himself to lie to the pretty boy.

"Kinda… not really…"

"What's wrong? Anything I can do?" The self proclaimed pretty boy really wanted to know what was wrong, no one else had really noticed that Carlos had been acting different, except for Logan, Kendall and himself, but only he noticed that the boy sitting on the couch in front of him had had a pained look in his eyes, the pain had been well concealed, but James saw strait through the act, just like he had since he met Carlos.

"There's nothing you can really do James. It's just that today's the anniversary of my mom's death and-" Carlos' voice broke and tears were welling up in his eyes, it very nearly broke James' heart.

"What happened?"James didn't want to pry, but he thought that the smaller boy needed to talk, and he was willing to listen.

"She got really sick and had to go to the hospital, and the doctors gave her some medicine and said it would help her get better, but- but she- she didn't, she got worse. They didn't know what was wrong and she-she died."Carlos was sobbing by now and James couldn't take seeing his friend like this and not do anything, so he went and sat down next to the caramel skinned boy and wrapped his arms around him.

"I'm so, so, sorry Carlos."James was crying softly now too, he couldn't help thinking of how heartbroken he had been when his dad left, he knew it wasn't the same, but he at least could understand the pain of losing someone you love. Maybe that was why he started telling Carlos about when his dad left, why they fell asleep holding each other as they cried, and why they told each other everything.


	7. Chapter 7

**I do not own BTR or Sherlock Holmes**

Kendall and Logan were alone at the Mitchell residence. Mrs. Mitchell was working her shift at the hospital, Mr. Mitchell was in Oregon for a work conference, and Ascadelia was on a date with Dustin, thanks to the two boys sitting in the living room.

"Wanna watch a movie?" Logan asked. The two teens had been trying to figure out what to do for the past twenty minutes.

"Sure" Kendall thought that he might be able to finally tell Logan what he had been trying to work up the courage to for the last week and a half.

"Kay, you pick the movie, I'll get food and pop." When Logan came back into the room Kendall was sitting on the couch with the movie ready. "What're we watching?"

"Sherlock Holmes." Kendall watched as the smaller boy's face lit up.

"I love this movie!" The blonde chuckled at the brown haired boy's enthusiasm. Kendall casually flung his arm around Logan's shoulders. He felt the smaller teen tense slightly, then relax.

"You know I don't mind right?" Kendall asked as the previews for the movie played.

"W-what?"Logan squeaked his brown eyes wide as he stared at his friend. He looked terrified, like someone had discovered a secret that the world wasn't meant to know.

"It doesn't matter to me if you're gay, or bi or whatever. And you shouldn't let people treat you like crap because of it."

"H-h-how…?"

"I heard Masters, Ferris and Hobbs talking when I was leaving after tryouts."

"What'd they say?" Logan's voice was quiet, almost as though he was afraid to know the answer.

"Stuff that made me want to beat them to bloody pulps with my hockey stick, stuff that made me want to tell them to fuck off, that no one likes them, and that they're ass holes."

"Oh…"

"They're idiots Logan, don't listen to a word they say. It doesn't matter if you're gay or not, there are lots of guys on the team that are."

"Really? Like who?"

"Jeff Magnus and Alex Fair, Ben Wood is bi, so is Henry Zimmer, Jack Sawyer, Quinn, and Redge. And I think Carlos and James might be at least bi, but I'm not sure."

"And what about…."

"Me?" Logan nodded. "Honestly, I don't know." _I thought I did, but then I met you._

_**Three hours later…**_

Ascadelia and Dust walked through the front door of her house, "I had a great time Dust."

"Same here." Dustin blushed slightly, especially when he noticed the deep rose color her face had turned.

"I better check on those two… Awwwe! That's so cute!" Dustin followed her to the living room, and he had to admit that it was adorable. Kendall's arm was draped over Logan's shoulder, the brunet's head was resting on the taller boy's chest, the blonde's chin was lightly resting on Logan's head, and both boys where sound asleep.

"I'm gonna see if it's alright for Kendall to stay the night, I think it would be cruel to wake them up." Dustin nodded as he grabbed a blanket and through it over them. He looked up as Ascadelia walked into the room smiling.

"Let me guess, they can keep sleeping?"

"Yep. Come on, let's go upstairs, I don't want to wake them."

Dustin smiled, all they were going to do was talk, but he knew that she would be beside herself if they disturbed her younger brother and his friend, besides, they're the ones who helped him ask her out, he probably wouldn't have had the courage to without them, he owed the two of them, he'd had the time of his life.


	8. Chapter 8

**I own not BTR, and Kendall has a little trouble in this...**

Logan woke up to the smell of his sister's cooking. He sighed contently, his sister was the best cook he knew. As Logan snuggled closer to the warm body next to his, he realized that it was none other than Kendall Knight. "Hey, sleepy heads, time to get up." Logan glared at his sister, she just had to wake them up. Kendall groaned slightly as he woke up. "What time is it?" the blonde yawned.

"Eight."

"In the morning?"

"Yes. Calm down, I called your house to see if you could spend the night, and your mom dropped off some clean clothes for you this morning." Kendall stared at her as though he couldn't believe what she was saying. "Oh, and mom'll be home soon, so you might want to get dressed."

As soon as Logan walked into the kitchen Ascadelia said "You have to tell mom and dad sometime you know."

"Just mom."

"Why-"

"Because dad already knows."

"Oh. Well, you should still say something when dad gets home."

"And are you going to tell them that Dustin slept here last night?"

"What? Do you want me dead?"

"If nothing happened-"

"Nothing did, but mom and dad will still freak, you know that."

"You're going to college next year, they can't exactly stop you then, and they should trust you."

"Lo, As, I'm home."

"We're in the kitchen mom."

"Kids, why are there two strange boys in my house?"

"Mom, this is Kendall, he's on the hockey team too" Logan explained.

"And he stayed the night-"

"And so did Dustin, As' new boyfriend" Logan said.

"Lo I am going to kill you!"

"Ascadelia Grace Mitchell, you know full well-"

"Honey, I'm home!"

"Dad!" the two Mitchell shouted as they ran toward the door.

"Hey Princess, hey Loganator. How're my two favorite kids?" he asked hugging them, beaming. Kendall and Dustin stood watching the family smiling.

"Jake, how was your trip?" Mrs. Mitchell asked smiling.

"Boring, and not worth being away from you for a week and a half. How were things here, Mora?" pulling her into a tight embrace. "Well, for one, did you know our daughter has a boyfriend?"

"Really? When'd this happen, princess?" he asked raising an eyebrow.

"A couple days ago?" Ascadelia answered.

"A couple of days and he spent the night!" the oldest Mitchell child looked like she wanted to disappear.

"Mora, I trust her, but you and I are going to have a talk about what will happen if you hurt my little girl" He said looking straight at Dustin, who looked slightly terrified.

"Y-yes s-sir."

"Right, now how about some of that delicious food I smell?" Everyone walked into the dining room and started loading their plates.

"Umm, I… I have something kinda important t-to say… I…"

"Logan, honey, what is it?" Mrs. Mitchell was getting worried, she had never seen her son so nervous, so downright terrified.

"I…" Logan took a shaky breath and looked down. "I'm gay. Please don't hate me, please!"

"Oh, honey." Mrs. Mitchell stood and wrapped her arms around her son. "How could you think I would ever be able to hate you? How can you hate someone you love?"

As Kendall walked home after seeing the scene at the Mitchell house, he wondered how his family would react if he was gay. His sister would probably tell him it was about time he figured it out, his mom would be shocked, but she would still love him, his father was another matter. His father would make sure he felt like no one would ever love someone like him, and really, who would he wondered.

"So, you stayed with a piece of crap even more worthless that you last night. I can't believe my son is turning into a fag. What makes you think that anyone, anyone would ever want you? You are nothing. You can't even handle keeping the right company. Instead you hang around with a bunch of fags. I doubt that even the Mitchell boy would want you. You're just a fucking waste of space, go do the world a fucking favor."

Kendall wasn't just empty, and hallow, he hated his life, hated that his father could make him into nothing, hated that he was always letting someone down, hated that he was nothing that Logan would ever love, hated everything. He closed the door to the bathroom, rolled up his sleeves, and picked up a blade. His hand was shaking as he drew the blade across his arm. _You are nothing._ Cut. _You are worthless. _Cut._ You are a waste of space. _Cut._ No one loves you. _Cut. _No one will ever love you. _Cut. _Who could ever love a broken, useless piece of junk like you?_ Tears were falling down his face, the words in his head were spoken in the voice of the brown eyed brunet angel he had fallen for in only a few weeks. The blonde let the sobs rack his body, as he wrote on his arm with the cold blade, his own voice echoing in his head, crying out for the pain to stop. Just as his world turned black, he saw his mom running into the room, screaming for his cousin Susan to call 911 and to keep Katie out of the room.


	9. Chapter 9

**Still don't own BTR :(**

James couldn't believe it, Kendall of all people. James had his own problems, he understood the want and the need to get out, in fact his own issues might lead to him being in the hospital eventually, but to personally and intestinally inflicting harm like that on yourself, James just couldn't believe it.

Why? That was the only thing James wanted to know. Why did Kendall feel that was the only way? Why didn't he come to them, his friends, his family? Why didn't he see that they would have been there for him, no matter what? And what had driven him to this? And they were all getting worried, it had been about fourteen hours since Mama Knight, Susan and Katie had found Kendall bleeding and holding that damned blade, and he still hadn't woken up.

"Honey, come on, you need to eat something" Mrs. Diamond told her son. Janice Diamond and James had gone to the hospital as soon as they heard what had happened, and like the Mitchells and the Garcias they hadn't left unless it was absolutely necessary.

"But, mom, he could wake up any minute."

"James you need to eat something. We'll let you know if something changes." Mama Knight was touched by how her son's friends and their families had come the instant they heard. She couldn't believe how much these boys cared about her son, they had only met a month before, yet they acted like they'd known each other all their lives.

James sighed looking at the two women. "Okay." Besides if he went to go get food he would get to see and talk to Carlos, maybe they could figure out why their blonde friend had tried to take his own life.

Logan was exhausted and confused. Why had Kendall cut himself? The said blonde was still unconscious, lying in the hospital bed, and Logan hadn't left the gorgeous blonde's side since he got there. Logan and the unconscious Kendall were the only two in the room, everyone had gone to either get another cup of coffee, to get a quick bite of food, or both. It was almost two in the morning and Logan hadn't slept at all, he hadn't had any coffee either, and his eyes were threatening to close, but he felt like he needed to stay awake and watch over the green eyed beauty in the hospital bed next to him. "Kendall… why? Why would you do this? We love you, all of us… I love you…" Logan finally gave into sleep, his hand covering Kendall's.

Through the darkness and shadows Kendall could hear voices, his mom's, Katie's, and Susan's. He could hear Ascadelia, Dustin, James, Carlos, and their parents. And he could hear Logan. Kendall felt cold, distant, had he died? He could hear the pain and sorrow in their voices, and he wondered if he really had killed himself, and unbearable guilt pressed down on him, had he really wanted to end his own life? Kendall was alone with his dark musings when Logan's voice cut through the cold, suffocating darkness around him. "Kendall… why? Why would you do this? We love you, all of us… I love you…" as Logan's voice trailed off, Kendall felt something warm covering his hand. He felt the same buzz of electricity he always felt when he and Logan touched. Logan's word rang in his ears, "We love you, all of us… I love you…" Logan loved him? Him, Kendall Francis Knight? How could that be? Logan had probably meant like a brother, but then why didn't he say that? Why did he say 'I love you' instead? But the one thing that stood out in Kendall's muddled mind was Logan. Logan, when Kendall told him that it didn't matter if he was gay. Logan, with his head resting lightly on Kendall's chest when he fell asleep during that movie. And Logan saying 'I love you' clutching Kendall's hand as though he were trying to lead the blonde back to life. "… Logan…"


	10. Chapter 10

Logan jolted awake and looked immediately toward the emerald eyed blonde. Logan sighed and raked a hand through his dark disheveled brown hair, he could have sworn that he heard the still unconscious boy say his name.

"It might take a while for him to get better." Logan jumped when he heard Susan's voice. "Oh, sorry Logan, I didn't mean to startle you, I just came to see if you wanted something to eat or drink, and to see if anything had changed."

"No nothing's changed, I swear that I heard Kendall say something a moment ago, but I must have been dreaming." Susan smiled slightly and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"You really care about my cousin an awful lot don't you?" Logan nodded. "He cares about you too, you know."

"Yeah, as a friend, and maybe a brother-"

"No, that's not what I mean. Logan he cares about you more than just a friend, and more than just a brother. It's clear to everyone, even Katie, and she's barely ten. If anyone's going to help him through this, it's going to be you."

"What da ya mean?"

"_Long is the way and hard that out of hell leads up to light._"

"Huh?"

"It's from John Milton's _Paradise Lost_. I mean that Kendall's going to need you to help him, He's going to need the people that love him, because it's going to take a while for him to get better, and not just physically. He probably feels like no one could possibly care about him, or cares what happens to him, and stress probably made him over whelmed too."

"How do you know?"

"I had a rough patch too, I had Kendall, Aunt Jen and As to help me, and thankfully, it never got this bad, but it could have." She got up, and patted Logan's shoulder as she left.

_Kendall Francis Knight, I will do everything in my power to help you out of whatever hell you're going through._


	11. Chapter 11

Carlos was sitting in the hospital cafeteria, staring out the window. He was having a hard time grasping why Kendall would do what he did. He was thinking about his mom and his brother, Miguel. He was thinking about when they had heard his brother wasn't coming back from college, that he had died.

"_Remember Carlos, every day we have on this earth is a gift, live every moment, every day to its fullest. You never know when your days might be up."_

"_But Mami what about days like this? What about the days that hurt?"_

"_Revel in them too. The pain and sorrow means that we are still alive. Carlos, cariño__**(1)**__, don't waste the time you have, live life, and love it."_

"_Miguel, lived life…"_

"_He wasted so much of his time on things that didn't matter, on things that made him feel good for a moment, but those things are what killed him, he wasted so much time, he missed what was important, in a way it wasn't any different from those that lock themselves in their houses and hide away from the world."_

"_Mami?"_

"_Yes?"_

"_I miss him."_

"_So do I, cariño, so do I."_

Carlos missed his brother, and his mom, neither had meant to leave him and his dad, but they had. He lost them, and he had almost lost Kendall too. And he might lose James too, he knew that the taller boy hadn't been eating enough lately, and had been losing some weight that he really couldn't afford to lose. Carlos also knew that this had started just after James' dad had left.

The raven haired boy didn't even have to look up to know that it was James who sat down next to him. "Hey" he said turning to face the tall thin brunet.

"Hey. What were you thinking about?"

"My mom, my brother Miguel, Kendall, and you."

"Me?"

"Yes. You should eat more, you're losing weight and you're getting to thin."

"Carlos I'm fine. You don't have to worry, it's nothing."

"James you don't eat enough! It could be serious! You could get seriously ill, you could get anorexia or- or bohemia, or something else that's life threatening! I don't want to lose you James! I can't lose you!" the small Latino was crying and he hated crying, but he just couldn't bear to be left alone in the world. Every time his dad went to some emergency, Carlos had to wonder if he would come home. Kendall had almost died today, and James was slowly destroying himself too, why couldn't they see what this was doing to him?

James hadn't seen the raven haired boy beside him so distraught before, and it broke his heart. "Carlos, I- How about we get something to eat?" The smaller boy nodded. James got more food than he wanted to eat, but he figured if he had to eat more than he had been to put the caramel skinned boy's mind at ease, he would.

"You just did that to make me feel better, didn't you?" Carlos asked.

"So what if I did? It worked didn't it? And I promise, I'll do whatever I have to, to make you happy, I'm not going anywhere, I'm staying right here with you."

Carlos buried his face in the crook of James' neck, "How do you know that?"

"The people we love are always with us, even if we're worlds apart" he said wrapping his arms around the amazing boy beside him. "And I love you" he whispered burying his face in the raven hair of the boy he loved.

"Love you too, James" Carlos mumbled, nestling closer.

**(1)Cariño means honey or sweetheart in Spanish, just a term of endearment. **

**Awe, cute Jarlos! And we finally learn what James' mysterious problem is. Hmmmm… what will happen next? :-] **


	12. Chapter 12

Logan bolted up right, his chest heaving like he had just ran a marathon. He immediately looked toward Kendall's peaceful form, relieved to see that his chest was rising and falling lightly. _That was the worst dream I've ever had,_ he thought. Logan was afraid to close his eyes, he didn't want to relive that nightmare.

_He was tangled in Kendall's arms, their bodies pressed together, lips moving in perfect sync. Just then a man that Logan recognized as Kendall's father appeared out of nowhere and started shouting, screaming profanities at the god-like blonde. Logan jumped to his feet ready to lunge at the man and defend his green eyed love. Kendall's father disappeared as quickly as he had appeared and when Logan turned, his heart sped up and stopped all at once. Kendall was on the ground covered in his own blood, sharp blade clutched in his hand, staring with hurt, sad eyes at the shorter boy. 'Why didn't you save me, Logie? Why'd you let me die?' _

Logan couldn't get the sight of Kendall's bloody, tortured form out of his head. Logan grabbed his notebook out of his sister's bag, and started scribbling frantically on the paper. Whenever Logan had a vivid dream that he kept reliving whenever he closed his eyes, he wrote.

_Red, covering gold,_

_Bright emerald, dimming to grey._

_A heart breaks,_

_Tears fall,_

_Will the pain ever go away?_

It was about his dream, and about real life. His dream Kendall's perfect golden hair was covered with the sickly red, of his own blood. Those eyes that at the beginning of his dream had been the brightest emerald Logan had ever seen had turned to an almost dead shade of grey. When Logan had heard that Kendall was almost killed himself, his heart had broken into thousands of pieces, he had cried so many tears, and he wondered if the pain and fear he had felt would ever go away. He continued to write.

_Don't look behind you that's where they are_

_The shadows that follow behind you_

_They wait for you to stumble,_

_When you do they close in, _

_Surrounding you, _

_Cutting you off from the light you had left_

_The shadows call out your name _

_Telling you to fall, give up,_

_You will never amount to anything,_

_Stay down and the pain will go away,_

_You try to stand, to keep going,_

_It seems hopeless, _

_You look for an angel to rescue you_

_You hear a voice call faintly, 'don't give up'_

_It calls stand, fight,_

_You are worth more than you know,_

_Not worthless, but priceless_

_You hear your angel, and the shadows are drown out,_

_The shadows disappear,_

_You are safe in the arms that love you._

It was as much for Kendall as for himself, he desperately wanted Kendall to wake up, to know that he, Logan Phillip Mitchell, loved him. That he all he wanted was to hold that god-like, emerald eyed, blonde in his arms and never let go, to kiss him senseless, to be his knight, his prince, anything the blonde wanted.

"… Logan…" a voice rasped from the bed next to him. Logan jumped up, dropping his notebook and pen and stared wide eyed at the green orbs that stared back at him. "Ken-Kendall?... KENDALL!" Logan shouted, throwing his arms around the newly conscious boy. "Don't. Ever. Do. That. Again." Logan said looking into those amazing grass green eyes. "You scared all of us half to death. I'm pretty sure that your mom is traumatized, Katie hasn't stopped crying for more than ten minutes at a time, and everyone else is either in a panic or a daze."

Kendall buried his head in the crook of Logan's neck, wrapping his arms around the boy's slighter frame. "'M sorry. 'M so sorry" he cried softly, tears of regret falling down his face, Logan just hugged him tighter.

"I should probably tell the others that you're awake, or they might attack me."

"Don't leave, please don't leave!" Kendall's voice was heartbroken, raw and slightly panicked.

"I'll just text them, I won't leave if you don't want me too."

Moments later Kendall was surrounded, being bombarded with hugs and exclamations of joy from his family and friends.

"Sweetheart don't ever do this to us again, we were so worried. Honey, please tell us why you did this." Mama Knight was relieved that her son was awake, speaking, and defiantly glad he was alive.

"I- I…" Just at that moment the door opened, Kendall's eyes widened, fear and shock resonating from them, as he reached blindly for Logan's hand.


	13. Chapter 13

**Sorry it took so long, and sorry about the cliff hanger in the last chapter, but it couldn't be helped.**

**I do not own Big Time Ru****sh :(**

Mr. Knight walked into his son's hospital room, if he was surprised at all by the crowd of people surrounding his son, he didn't show it. He didn't show any reaction to Kendall reaching for the short, pale boy that stood next to his bed, nor did he react to his wife when she looked at his emotionless face in surprise "How's my son?"

"Fine, Kendall's fine. Sweetie, what were you going to say?"

"I-" Kendall took a deep breath, trying to not to make eye contact with anyone, especially his father. "I… it's just… too much… stress… t- that's all…"

"Alright, sweetheart, but this is not the way to deal with it."

"I-I know mom" Kendall hated lying, but he had no choice, the man who caused this was his father, and how was he supposed to tell his mom that her husband was a monster?

"Now everyone out." Mama Knight ordered, herding everyone out of the room.

"Aunt Jen, can we stay? Please?" Jenifer Knight smiled and nodded, she knew her son needed his friends, and she knew that they might be able to get the truth from him. "Yes, Susan, you kids can stay, but let him get some rest." With that the teens were left alone.

"Alright, little cousin, spill." Kendall knew that Susan would see through it, he could tell by the other's faces that they didn't believe it either.

"I already told you, it's just too much stress-"

"It's your dad, isn't it?" Kendall's head snapped around to look at Logan.

"H-h-how'd-"

"You freaked out when he came in here, and…"

"And?" Ascadelia was curious, she knew her little brother had a habit of picking up on things no one else did, he had a type of sixth sense about this kind of thing.

"I- uh-I had a nightmare and-uh- Kendall's dad was-uh- basically telling Kendall to kill himself and –uh-yeah…"

"Kendall, did uncle Jack make you do this?" Susan wanted to know, if he had they had to tell Jen, not just for Kendall's sake but for Katie's as well. When Kendall nodded they all fell silent.

"Someone get me a chain saw! I'm gonna teach him to mess with my lil' bro's friends!" Ascadelia jumped up, looking ready to go attack him right then and there.

"As, I don't think that's a good idea, that would be assault and attempted murder, both of which are illegal…" Dustin was trying to calm her down, while looking like he too would attack Mr. Knight.

"Dustin's right, we need a different plan…" James said, Carlos nodded, clearly thinking.

"We need to tell Aunt Jen."

"Mom won't believe it, you know she won't."

"Well, we need to show her then…"

"How do you propose we do that Lo?"

He just smile and whispered his plan to the others.

**What's gonna happen next?**


	14. Chapter 14

**Please don't hate me for this chapter, but I promise the story **_**will**_** have a happy ending, so please, please, don't kill me.**

**I still do not own BTR.**

Kendall was nervous, what if the plan didn't work? He really didn't want to be alone with his dad, so thankfully, Logan was with him. He wasn't exactly sure how they wound up on his couch with Logan straddling him making out, but he was just enjoying it. To be honest he'd wanted that for a while, but he had been too afraid and hadn't thought that Logan would ever want him.

But that's how they were when Mr. Knight walked into his living room.

"What the fucking hell!" The two boys pulled apart quickly, both staring at him with wide eyes. Green eyes full of fear, brown filled with hatred. "Well, well, well, so you did turn my fucking son into a fucking fag." Mr. Knight sneered.

"Don't call him that!" Logan was furious, how could a man say something like that about his son?

"I'll call that piece of shit anything I want."

"Even if it makes him kill himself?" Logan was finding it harder and harder to restrain himself, all he wanted to do was throttle the man who hurt his golden haired angel.

"Ha! He couldn't even do that right! Next time lock the damn door you little son of a bitch and you might actually do the fucking world a favor!" Kendall flinched, as much from his father's words as from the impulse to end it all right there, but he knew that doing that wouldn't help, it would only make things worse.

"SHUT UP! Don't you dare talk about Kendall that way you bastard!"

Logan didn't have time to react before he crumpled to the ground unconscious, from being hit on the head. Kendall wanted desperately to run, to Logan and away from his father, but it was impossible to do both as Mr. Knight was standing between them. Kendall looked around for any way he could get to a phone, to call for help.

"Now, why don't you finish what you started with this?" Kendall stared in horror as his father held out the blade that had almost killed him two days before. "Unless of course you would rather your friend took the blade for you…"

Kendall swallowed and took the razor, he felt tears start to fall as he looked at Logan's unconscious form. "Sorry Logie" he said as he raised the blade to his wrist.

**Is anyone else reminded of Logan's nightmare? **


	15. Chapter 15

**What happened in the last chapter was not their plan, just so you know… **

**Disclaimer: I still do not own BTR**

Jenifer Knight snuck through her house, she had left Susan outside to watch over Katie. When they pulled up outside she had heard shouting, and decided to go in and see what was wrong, but she wasn't at all prepared for what she saw.

Logan was unconscious on the floor, her husband holding a razor out to her shaking son.

"Now, why don't you finish what you started with this? ... Unless of course you would rather your friend took the blade for you…" Jen watched horrified as her son took the razor and raised it to his wrist.

"Sorry Logie." She stood frozen as her boy sobbed pulling the blade across his wrist with a trembling hand. After a moment she realized what was happening, her husband was causing this, he was watching as Kendall killed himself, and he had been the reason all along. _Why didn't Kendall tell me?_

"Kendall, sweetie, put the razor down. And Jack, _get the hell away from my child_." Kendall jumped, letting the blade clatter to the ground. Jack Knight turned and stared at her.

Kendall had never seen his mother so angry, actually she looked like one of those mother bears that were ready to rip you to shreds for messing with their cubs, angry was an understatement.

Mr. Knight backed away slightly, enough that Kendall could get past him, and get to Logan.

"Jack, get out of my house, stay away from my children, and never come near us again, or you _will_ regret it."

"Jen-"

"_Get out!_" Jack Knight did the only smart, and logical, thing he could do, he ran. As soon as he was gone, Jenifer Knight ran to his son and his friend. "Honey, are you all right?" she asked pressing a doily to her son's bleeding wrist, and helping a moaning Logan into a sitting position.

"Y-yeah, I-I think so." She was relieved, if anything worse would have happened she would never have forgiven herself.

"Aunt Jen I called the police, they should be here in a few minutes."Susan walked into the room, Katie following close behind.

"Mom, what happened? Why're Kendall and Logan bleeding? Why'd dad run? Mom?" Katie asked. She might only be ten but she defiantly knows something's up. Katie looked straight at her brother. "Did dad make you hurt yourself?" Kendall nodded, he hated that Katie had to find out about their dad like this, that she would forever remember him as a monster.

Katie ran over and wrapped her arms around the two boys, "Everything's gonna be ok, isn't it big brother?"

"Yeah, Kit-Kat, it will, eventually."

**AWE! Cute brother-sister moment! See things are getting better! And thank you for not coming after me with pitch forks and torches!**


	16. Chapter 16

**So here's the last chapter, Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own the boys of Big Time Rush.**

* * *

><p><strong>Two months later…<strong>

"He should have got more time for what he did!" Carlos smiled at his boyfriend's outburst.

"Jamesey, they couldn't prove that Kendall had been abused-"

"He was obviously distressed and of course he was!"

"But without the physical evidence-"

"HE TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF BECAUSE OF IT!"

"But his dad never laid a hand on him, they couldn't do much because of that."

"Arg! Why do you always have to be right about this stuff?"

"Um, James, my dad's a cop."

"Oh, right. How's your dad's lady friend by the way?"

"Lidia? She fine. Oh and she wants to have a talk with you."

"About what? She's not going to screw with my head is she? 'Cause I don't want her to."

"James, she's a profiler, not a shrink."

"A criminal profiler, she could still screw with my head, I bet she screws with people's minds all the time."

Carlos sighed in frustration, now James was just trying to be difficult. Carlos was glad his dad was seeing someone again, especially Lidia Donavon. Sure he still missed his mom, but she had died a little over a year ago, and Lidia was sweet and pretty much the opposite of what she dealt with everyday. She wanted to talk with James to make sure he knew what would happen if he ever did anything to hurt Carlos. Despite her small, delicate frame, and sweet nature, she was really quite strong and able to hold her own, and she could be downright terrifying if she wanted to be.

"Hello, boys. So James ready for that little talk?" Lidia walked in and sat down across from them, her bright red hair was in slight disarray.

"Uh, Lid, what happened?" Carlos asked.

"Hmm? Oh, the appointment I had with a seventeen year old girl's older brother got a bit out of control, but everything's fine, no need to worry." She said noticing their concerned faces. "Now, James, I'm going to make it perfectly clear, you do anything, anything, that hurts Carlos, or pressure him into anything, and you _**will**_ regret it. _Understand_?"

"Y-yes. I understand." He looked terrified, and Carlos had to admit, she did look rather terrifying.

"Good. Now they two of you have fun. I'm going to go see if Robert needs any help." She got up and walked into the kitchen of the Garcia house.

"Robert?" James asked quietly.

"My dad."

"Oh."

"Well, Lid said to have fun…"

"What exactly were you thinking Carlitos?"

"Oh, nothing much, just…" With that he leaned over and kissed James lightly, causing the taller to smile.

"I like how you think." The two continued to kiss and make out, knowing that the other two in the house probably were too.

Kendall was glad his dad was out of his life, hopefully for good. He didn't have to worry anymore, he was surrounded by people who cared, Susan, Katie, James, Carlos, Ascadelia, their families, his mom, and of course his boyfriend Logan.

Without his dad, he felt free, safe and happy. And that was all he needed in life.

* * *

><p><strong>So there you go! How'd you like it? <strong>

**I figured that I should through in some Jarlos, and what do you think of Lidia and Officer Robert Garcia?**

**Reviews are welcome! **


End file.
